1979 Pittsburgh Pisces
108 · 2026-04-27 · medium
I was up late watching the ice hockey playoffs the other night, as one does, and I saw the Penguins beat the Flyers in Philadelphia to stave off a four-game first-round sweep. "We're going back to Pittsburgh," the announcer said. That reminded me of that one time I went to The Igloo (RIP) over holiday break in college. I spent most of the game looking at the ceiling, at that one-quarter of the sports world's first retractable roof that could slide over and reveal the skyline. "That's where the hot air balloon came down, the whole team was in it," I said to whomever I was with, pointing up. They had no idea what I was talking about. It's the Fishhhhhh, haven't ya, haven't ya heard? The Pittsburgh Pisces, a/k/a The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh, were the first pro basketball franchise to change their name mid-season (from Pythons), had an ugly full-color painted court 43 years before the NBA Cup, and no City Connects have ever been as good as their shiny silver-pink-aqua uniforms. The Fish had crowds full of obvious cardboard cutouts decades before Covid-19; this was because the production crew had trouble finding crowd extras, even with prime-era Julius Erving and half the 1979 NBA All-Stars. (Fun fact: this is why Dallas got an expansion franchise the following year instead of Pittsburgh.) This movie really does have it all. Do you like laser and squiggle sound effects whenever the ball swishes through the net? Check! A slow-motion montage of Dr. J throwing down dunks alone on a playground late at night? Yessir! A young Harry Shearer playing a sports announcer named "Murray Sports"? Excellent. The Spinners popping out of a giant box of Mrs. Jones' Fish Sticks to perform their latest disco hit in white suits? Real truth, my brotha! A basketball filled with helium as a sight gag? [Slide whistle sound!] There are a lot of close-up shots of an Electro-Mech Scorebrain being hand-operated, which is X-rated pornography for me. Jonathan Winters plays a dual role as millionaire owners, one of whom is an adult baby who'd rather play with his HO scale model of downtown Steel City than run the team, which clears the way for the 14-year-old waterboy to pull his annoying astrology bullshit. Stockard Channing came straight over from the Grease (1978) wrap party to play the team astrologer (instead of original casting selection Cher), who also happens to dabble in a years-ahead technique called video analysis? Mona Mondieu is ridiculously hot, her dresses and hair are perfect, and she gets her own sideline armchair and her own theme song. Mystic lady, you're the zodiac / Karma set us on the winning track, Monaaaaa / You're a never ending oracle / Pisces gotta have a miracle, Monaaaaa! The big final series is against the Western Conference champion Los Angeles Team (no relation to the Dallas Team), and holy shit they're bringing Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Chick Hearn, and their own theme song. Mona gets kidnapped before Game 7 for some reason that makes some kind of three-star sense – and I will personally come and fuck you up if you ever do that to my girl – and the Pisces' astrology charts say that they can't win unless they delay the game until after midnight, because the entire universe runs on Eastern Standard Time. Can they do it? Do you have Fish Fever yet? As always, movie 'Dokus are brought to you by BMDb.
