Shirtdoku
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"Not enough people know about The Lawnmower Man Meets Space Jam guest-starring actual NBA stars." This is the only English-language review for Amazing (2013) currently on Letterboxd, where, as of this writing, it has been logged 39 times over 13 years. OP is partially correct: everybody should know about could perhaps maybe likely be the worst basketball movie ever made. Here's your plot: in pre-Daryl Morey tweet China, a Silicon Valley software firm called DD Company partners with a Shanghai studio to create Amazing Basketball. It's a cutting-edge game where you strap on your VR helmet and hoop it up one-on-one against other players in cyberspace. Why is "Amazing" the hottest new release in Asia, with seven million unique users on launch day? In one scene, supergenius lead dev Bingshan plays the difficult Level 3 against Venus, a sexy "nano hybrid" girl with a black vinyl cyber-bikini and big CGI boobs. And he... umm... eegh... I'm so very sorry I have to type this on a computer... dunks it. Carmelo Anthony shows up at a party, talking to a reporter about his charity project that refurbishes basketball courts for disadvantaged children. If you didn't know about his foundation ahead of time, the smash-cut question "why are children so important to you?" can make all different kinds of sense, depending on who you are. Dwight Howard serves as the brand ambassador, he wears a cape at the product launch, and he also delivers a pep talk to the lead programmer. "Think about basketball being a girl," says Superman, cradling one in his arms. "Look at her! You gotta hold her, you gotta caress her, you gotta kiss it. You gotta make her feel love!" Are you totally creeped out yet? Eric Mabius, who you might remember as Ugly Betty's editor-in-chief, is the white guy CEO who keeps trying to get himself a WMAF-wifey and also yelling at everybody to stop speaking Mandarin. (What's he up to lately? Oh) As for the rest of the cast, it's difficult to tell them apart. No, it's not because they're Asian, it's because everybody has an in-game cyber avatar like they're aespa or something. The story is also told in random fragmented flashback, and therefore 100 percent illegible: Bingshan is in a coma (I didn't catch why and don't care), he's starting the company five years ago with different hair, and also he's Scottie Pippen's biggest fan so a bedside visit pulls him out of his coma. There's a "blue crystal" virus on Level 6 so horny nerds can't play their sexketball without crashing their computers, they're burning game cartridges in front of HQ like it's Cleveland the day after The Decision, and blah blah blah holy god this movie sucks ass. Should I do a Pixelvision marathon of terrible basketball films soon? I'm seriously thinking about it. Anyway, good basketball film. Pleasenjoy a Shirtdoku about Blue Chips (1994), and, as always, movie 'Dokus are brought to you by BMDb.
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