2025-26 Atlanta Hawks
088 · 2026-03-04 · medium
Women. In the beginning, mankind couldn't figure out exactly what they were. After thousands of generations, men collectively realized that the survival of the species depended on having them around. Women started doing organized sports in the early 18th Century, and men spent the next 300 years trying to stop them. It turned out that female humans could do absolutely anything all along – dunk a basketball, kick you in the nuts, and invent Shirtdoku. And then, in 2026, the NBA's Atlanta Hawks announced a theme night called Magic City: An American Fantasy. "The iconic Atlanta institution has made such an incredible impact on our city and its unique culture," said co-owner Jami Gertz, a popular Hollywood actress from the 1980s who married an billionaire in 1989, which makes her a Real American Princess®. Internet liberals immediately accused her of selling out all of womankind, what with Magic City being a real actual strip club and all. But they were forgetting about the non-binary gender that contains no elements of either: hypercapitalist. Magic City Night, on March 16 versus the Orlando Magic, will feature two of the three things that make the institution iconic – lemon pepper chicken and trap music – but not the other one. David Aldridge, the nytimes dot com slash athletic's hiphopketball correspondent, thinks this exclusion makes everything okay. "As long as the club's most important employees keep their clothes on... it’s not something to lose one’s mind over." I dunno dawg, this is sort of like calling Jeffrey Epstein a financier and an art lover, yadda yadda yadda, and also by the way Leon Black is one of Jami Gertz's in-laws. Two out of three. The very last person you might expect to be the moral voice of reason would be Luke Kornet, who TIL blogs about all the Catholic churches around the country that he visits on road trips. "The NBA should desire to protect and esteem women," he wrote, "many of whom work diligently every day to make this the best basketball league in the world." I strongly disagree with that last bit, and of course he's getting blasted all why-so-serious like by online fans of "rap" and "wings", and who woulda thunk a 7-foot-1 journeyman center would be on the right end of the Seven Stages. Learning how to deal with women the right way is A Journey, and it took me the better part of five decades to figure out how simple it really is. Give them what they want when they ask for it, and get out of their way when they tell you to.
