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"Sport has always been an instrument of peace, but it must be outside political games and away from politicians," wrote Guido Vaciago, the editor-in-chief of Italian sports daily Tuttosport. "But it's inevitable that the president of FIFA is a politician, because you can’t lead a global organization without being one." After King Syphillis lobbied Signore Testapollice for the first FIFA red card reversal since Garrincha, there was only one way out of this slipknot. The USMNT simply had to lose to Belgium in the Round of 16; on the Earth-2 where Folarin Balogun scores in the 82nd minute and they win one-nil, everything is Backrooms (2026). If you thought baseball was good at pretending Barry Bonds' 755 home runs never happened, selectively overlooking an American footsoccer trophy lift would have been global sports journalism's ultimate masterclass. Back in the late 2010s, I posited on Twitter that selectively withholding attention was the key to stemming future disasters; because the typical American brain works like a two-bin quincunx, this apparently made me look like a sympathizer. (Side note: Larry Charles notes in his memoir that the more attention people get the longer they live; ergo, Donald Trump will probably make it to 100. I agree with this.) What with Freedom 250 and all, folks have been treating your foreign correspondent like a Catholic priest lately, telling me that despite all its horrific flaws and failures America still remains a good and decent nation at heart. But it's not like 2015, when Americans were simply Ugly and yelled at local waitstaff. In my anecdotal experiences of living abroad for the past decade, my country of birth isn't just currently regarded as the world's primary source of evil, with this FIFA business being just one more bridge-too-far. It's also outfitting and supplying all the world's wannabe baddies too; none of its products work anymore, but there aren't any real alternatives on the market. America is the ACME Corporation, led by Bobbo from Tiny Toon Adventures. Anyway, basketball. Since the start of the current century, the footsoccer USMNT has been a sports sin-eater for the progressive landowning bourgeoisie, a positive and egalitarian and multicultural example of U.S. Good in the age of deterioration. I'm not saying this is a bad thing – especially with so many of you in the audience – I'm just recognizing it as an effective form of Cope. I do this myself, just in a different way. Around this time last summer, I was watching the FIBA U19 World Cup, live from Switzerland. If you'd been doing that too, you'd know why there was no real debate about whether AJ Dybantsa deserved to be picked first overall. His 14.3/4.1/2.3 line wasn't eye-popping, but viewers and MVP voters recognized him as the best player on the floor. Team USA smashed the U19 record with a 114.6 scoring average – remember, 40 minutes – and avalanched squads of Canadians and Germans that were dot-plotted to knock around senior American teams in future international tournaments. This was a "Redeem Team" because the United States crashed out in the 2023 semifinals to France, and half its players were selected in the first round of the 2026 NBA Draft. Observers like me were dreamin' and creamin' over the style of play, instituted by Tommy Lloyd, who's also the best coach in college hoops right now. (You thought I was going to bring up the Gonzaga guestroom thing again? Sike, bitch.) It's been a generation since there was a team in red, white and blue that played with so much joy and fluidity. It made me tear up and... and... I can't believe I'm typing this... proud to be an American.
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